Funny how the definition for Soft Next has completely changed since I introduced it :-P
EDIT: From 4/20/07 (almost exactly seven years ago!!):
Originally Posted by TubaraoI've noticed lately that my favorite response to give on the Relationship board is "Next". I mean, I probably don't even have to read a post; just the fact that you're posting a question about your relationship probably means she should be nexted.
Asking for monogamy (and you don't want it)? Next.
Relationships isn't fun anymore? Next.
You fucked up? Next.
She cheated on you (or you think she did)? Next.
I personally am polyamorous. But even if you ultimately seek monogamy, you need to start yourself off with multiple relationships until you have built up a solid relationship toolbox (attitude, strategy, inner game). Even in a monogamous relationship, you should have the frame of mind that you would in a polyamorous one, namely that you love her but are willing to let her go if she doesn't meet your standards.
I titled the post "Soft Next" because I believe my "next" is different than the definition most men have and I wanted to have the distinction. A "hard next" involves completely cutting a woman out of your life, and for most beginners is the only option available. It's required for a man who either doesn't know how to screen women correctly and gets caught up with a messed up LSE chick, a man who has such terrible game that he irrevocably botches his relationship with a woman, or a man who is unable to manage his emotions and gets big one-itis.
I'm at a point though where I only associate with women who are mature, HSE, intelligent, fun, and just plain incredible. I make zero expectations of the women in my life. If they just want to be friends, great. If they want to have hot mind-blowing sex with me, great. And if they want to STOP having hot sex, that's great too, and I'll STAY FRIENDS with them. There is nothing that a woman can say or do that will throw me off my emotional center. So, for the sake of definition, a "soft next" means downgrading a woman from a lover to a friend. But beyond that one change, our relationship is unaffected. Usually the cause for it is because the woman wants monogamy and I'm unwilling to give it. However, as I establish an honest frame early on of being non-monogamous, I don't suffer a messy "break-up" because of this.
Because I'm always genuine with women, they can never fault me for the person I am. Going from friend, to lover, to friend doesn't change the level of our friendship because I treat women the same regardless of the level of our relationship. And our relationship can even drift back and forth between lover and friend. For example, while talking to a friend of hers, one of my former FB's described me as follows: "Tubarao is a man who makes you feel like you're the only woman in the world when you're with him, even though you're not. He's the man I can have sex with when I'm in between boyfriends." Awesome. She also calls me her best friend.
The best perk of soft nexting? I NEVER LOSE WOMEN FROM MY LIFE! (unless they move or get really weird).
I will be the first to admit though, that it takes a lot of self-development and reprogramming of your brain to get to a point where you can have perpetually wonderful relationship with women. Some of the key aspects you must encompass:
- Zero jealousy
- Zero attachment
- Zero expectations
- Love every moment that you spend with women (if you're a man who hates the build-up to sex, you need to reprogram your brain to attach positive emotions to every aspect of relating to women, from meet to close).
- Sex with multiple women! This is important. While it's great to have many female friends, you should definitely be fucking a bunch as well. There's plenty of AFCs who have lots of female friends... but that's all.
- Extremely positive outlook on life.
- Extremely good grasp and appreciation of yourself and what you want out of life.
Honestly, you should be able to look at yourself in the mirror and grin from ear to ear because you love your life so much. If you don't, why not? Fix it.