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  1. #1

    Official Joke Thread

    I took a girl out, and she told me that she wanted to be "treated like a princess"

    So I put her in the back of a Mercedes, and then smashed it into a pylon in an underground tunnel!

  2. #2

    I was getting hot and heavy with a girl on the dance floor the other night and had her all over me by the time we left the club.

    We went outside, she hugged me from behind, stuck her hand down my jeans and grabbed my cock before whispering seductively in my ear.

    "So your's or mine?"

    I said "that's mine".

  3. #3
    Moderator Z's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Boston, MA

    A woman with no arms and no legs is on the beach. She sees a guy walk by and has never been hugged before. She looks up at him and says "Hug me." He hugs the woman with no arms or legs.

    She is still on the beach and see another guy walk by. She says, "Kiss me, I've never been kissed before." So he kisses the woman with no arms or legs.

    She then sees a man walk by and says to him, "Fuck me, I've never been fucked before." He picks her up, throws her in the ocean and goes, "Now you're fucked."
    We're here. The rest is bullshit.

  4. #4
    Member NoMoreFatChix's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    New Zealand

    Q: What is 12 inches long and makes the ladies scream all night long?

    A: Cot death.

  5. #5
    Member Johnny test's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    South Wales, UK

    My Wife was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, she received a call from the doctor's office to tell her that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 a.m.

    She had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

    As most women do, she likes to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time she wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

    So, she rushed upstairs, threw off her pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave herself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure It was at least presentable. she threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to her appointment.

    she was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when she was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, She hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that she was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. She was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" she didn't respond.

    After the appointment, She heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?"

    She told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

  6. #6
    Member JetSetJim's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Southwest USA

    Once there was a lady who was tired of living with men who were either physically abusive, who ran away from her, or who were horrible in bed. So she put an ad in the paper(umm...internet?), that was asking for a man who:

    1)would treat her nicely
    2)wouldn't run away from her
    3)would be good in bed.

    Three weeks passed and there was no reply from any man. She figured there just wasn't a man alive who could live up to these expectations, so she finally gave up. But then, one day she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs. The man said "I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you." The woman replied, "Yes, but are you good in bed?"

    ...And the man said with a smirk on his face, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

  7. #7

  8. #8
    Member mankite's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2011
    Bellevue / Redmond , Washington

    I was telling a blonde joke and this super hot blonde gets in my face and says "I dont thinks it's funny to make fun of blondes like they are dumb or something ... I went to college and I even know the capital of every state in the country ... I bet you don't !"

    ... so I said "OK ... whats the capital of Wisconson ?"

    She said with a snear "thats easy ... W"
    Have Fun

    "the most expensive thing a ever found was a woman who was FREE for the evening"
    Quote from my Father

  9. #9

    Blonde joke:

    A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.
    As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.
    Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”
    To which she replied, “There certainly is!”
    My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

  10. #10
    Member abcd_z's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Seattle, WA

    This post has been ranked 10.00 out of 10 with 1 votes.

    My girlfriend said "we should make love like they do in the movies." So I shoved my dick in her ass and came on her face.

    She got upset. Apparently we watch different movies.

    I was trying to find the post somebody (blackdragon?) made on the old fastseduction site where he told a variant of this story to a woman at a bar. The woman was horrified and the bartender laughed his ass off.

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