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Thread: Girlfriend drama, wants to take a step back

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    Member BVD's Avatar
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    Girlfriend drama, wants to take a step back

    First a quick background: I'm 28 and this is my first girlfriend. I was very shy my whole life and never did anything with a girl until I started practicing game earlier this year. When I met my girlfriend I was casually dating a couple girls already but I decided to have a relationship with her because she was massively into me and I thought it would be a good experience.

    It's been less than 3 months. Basically I am the prize in the relationship, she often says how much she likes me, how lucky she is, etc. She has now said she loves me and I haven't said it back. She has expressed lots of times that she gets worried that I don't really like her etc. I have intentionally tried to DLV myself a bit out of guilt and because I was worried that even if she loved me she would end it if she didn't think I liked her a lot and really wanted to keep seeing her. I've shown some vulnerability, told her I really like her, stuff like that. Yes we're having sex. Oh and she's only 20 (but a lot more relationship experience than me obviously).

    Today out of nowhere she said she thinks we should take a step back (unclear what that means), she likes me but feels like the relationship is empty, we are slowly losing what we had, she still wants to see me but slow down and see how we both feel, stuff like that. At first I acted kind of hurt (which I kind of was), then I said she should give it some more thought on her own and I don't even know what she's talking about. Since then I pretty much ignored her. She texted me saying she doesn't want to hurt me, she doesn't want to lose me completely, asking if I'm mad. I replied that I just needed some time to process.

    Now I do like this girl but I wouldn't say I have one-itis. I'd still prefer to keep the relationship going. If I'm being honest, I'm really not looking forward to having to go out and meet strangers again, it's very stressful. I'm not trying to be the world's #1 PUA here. But I know I'll have to get back out there eventually, I'm not going to be with this girl forever.

    I know that she is stressed out right now about her classes and stuff, and also getting her period (which may or may not factor in) and I'm thinking if I just kind of wait it out her emotional state will shift and she'll drop this topic. I mean last night she texted me that she was really happy to have me and a heart symbol. But I'm also wondering if her attraction has gone down since I have been showing more interest and commitment. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to handle this.

  2. #2
    Member DarkElf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by BVD View Post
    First a quick background: I'm 28 and this is my first girlfriend. I was very shy my whole life and never did anything with a girl until I started practicing game earlier this year. When I met my girlfriend I was casually dating a couple girls already but I decided to have a relationship with her because she was massively into me and I thought it would be a good experience.
    Heh... For many, it can be. For others, not so much so. After 15+ years of it with two women with a bit of no relationships at all, I can tell you I wouldn't sign up for it these days- but that's just me.

    It's been less than 3 months. Basically I am the prize in the relationship, she often says how much she likes me, how lucky she is, etc. She has now said she loves me and I haven't said it back. She has expressed lots of times that she gets worried that I don't really like her etc. I have intentionally tried to DLV myself a bit out of guilt and because I was worried that even if she loved me she would end it if she didn't think I liked her a lot and really wanted to keep seeing her. I've shown some vulnerability, told her I really like her, stuff like that. Yes we're having sex. Oh and she's only 20 (but a lot more relationship experience than me obviously).
    Wow. Just...wow. I'm seeing a reflection of myself from 16 years ago in what you're telling us here- it's a lot of the same things I did back then.

    • You pedestaled a 20 year old. I'm suspecting you're seeing her as special.
    • You've responded to the shit-test she threw up about her worrying about you not liking her by DLVing yourself.
    • You willingly showed vulnerability.

    You never DLV if you can at all help it. Contrary to what current culture tells you, it's an immediate turn-off to the woman.
    You endeavor to show as little vulnerability as you actually can get away with. Contrary to what current culture tells you, it's an immediate turn-off to the woman.
    Women are fungible- which is to say that they're, in the large, not really all that special unless you make them that way and they're mostly interchangeable.

    I'm not a PUA by any stretch of the imagination at this time- and even I can see you sabotaged your relationship there at the moment you flunked her first real shit-test. As best as I can tell, you're still flunking them if you're telling us straight what you're doing here. Each time you flunk one of those, your value drops. At some threshold she goes off and cheats on you or breaks off the whole relationship.

    Today out of nowhere she said she thinks we should take a step back (unclear what that means), she likes me but feels like the relationship is empty, we are slowly losing what we had, she still wants to see me but slow down and see how we both feel, stuff like that. At first I acted kind of hurt (which I kind of was), then I said she should give it some more thought on her own and I don't even know what she's talking about. Since then I pretty much ignored her. She texted me saying she doesn't want to hurt me, she doesn't want to lose me completely, asking if I'm mad. I replied that I just needed some time to process.
    Heh... I know precisely what that means. She's trying to dump you for another man, if she's not already done so- all the while trying to keep the beta in hand, just in case things don't work out there. "Slowing down" is one of several different ways that a woman tries to be "nice" about cutting off a relationship with a man- without actually cutting it fully off. Your first hint that this is the case is the text message she sent you. Does it sound like she really wants to keep you? "Doesn't want to hurt you..." Heh...if that were the case, why are you wanting to "slow down", milady?

    My response?

    "Bye. If you're serious about being with me, you'll come back of your own accord and you'll quit worrying about whether I like you or not. I will tell it to your face I don't like you anymore at the precise the moment that my liking for you changes- until that time, the fact that I'm WITH you part of the time should be enough indication that I actually LIKE you. My time and my life is precious short on this Earth- I won't spend it willingly with people I don't like and want to be with and I expect compensation (i.e. PAID) if I do spend it with someone like that."

    You don't have to be that verbose, mind, but you get the picture. You don't want to do what you're doing to yourself here. It's highly counterproductive and put you where you find yourself right now.

    Now I do like this girl but I wouldn't say I have one-itis. I'd still prefer to keep the relationship going. If I'm being honest, I'm really not looking forward to having to go out and meet strangers again, it's very stressful. I'm not trying to be the world's #1 PUA here. But I know I'll have to get back out there eventually, I'm not going to be with this girl forever.
    • If you're having to defend something not being a case of one-itis, your odds are good that it's just the opposite. Even if it's the case, you shouldn't need to qualify it the way you just did.
    • If you're putting this off because you're finding it all stressful to go out and meet strangers, you're just going to get right back into the sort of mess you're finding yourself in right now- and do it time and time again. And if you're going to eventually leave her, why in the hell are you trying to keep it going for a bit longer? If you want to feel slightly guilty, that's where you should be feeling it.
    • PUA's and Alphas, in general, don't give a shit about the end-consequences of a "hunting trip". Either they get to fuck a woman on a given night or they don't. Either they get into an OLTR/MLTR or they don't. To a PUA/Alpha, the numbers favor trying and trying and trying until you get into the groove of things for yourself- the end results matter little in the short term. I'm suspecting you're finding the whole thing stressful because you're taking the inevitable rejections, whatever their reason, totally to heart and as a reflection of your net value/worth. I can tell you that my first venture out into the PUA space, made this month, was actually liberating. It didn't matter to me that I got laid or not- or even got very far with much of anyone. I had and kept all sorts of confidence and enjoyed the evening even though I came up empty- and I was less stressed out than I'd been in a LONG time.

    I know that she is stressed out right now about her classes and stuff, and also getting her period (which may or may not factor in) and I'm thinking if I just kind of wait it out her emotional state will shift and she'll drop this topic. I mean last night she texted me that she was really happy to have me and a heart symbol. But I'm also wondering if her attraction has gone down since I have been showing more interest and commitment. I'm wondering if anyone has any advice on how to handle this.
    Each person's going to be a bit different. I'm non-monogamous these days but that's only as a result of my monogamous past, which should have it's last chapter closed and done on January 20th of next year. What I'd do isn't probably going to be your first inclination, I'd suspect- but I'll share some of what I'd do.

    I'd let her "have her space" like she's asking for, if I were you. Not cut it all the way off like I'd do- but she's going to get little in the way of interaction from me for a while so she can think about it all. While this is going on, I'm going to go out looking for the possibilty of other relationships. I'm not depriving myself, my desires and needs, just so that she can "have her space". If she's truly interested in me, she'll come back to me most or all of the way- and all of her own volition. What you're thinking the problem is, isn't the root cause of the issue here- all that stuff's doing is simply cranking up the volume knob on the real causes of the problems. If she DOES come back, I would not be an asshole to her, but I would sure as hell not do the things you've been doing to show her you're interested in her. Spending time with her, fucking her- those should be ample proof you're interested and like her company. (And, for God's sake, don't go buying a lot of expensive presents for her either way...)

    Your assessment of her attraction's dead on- and not because of showing her interest in her. It's because you've been showing her beta/gamma traits out the wazoo. That "commitment"? You're showing her commitment by just being with her over time- the longer the more committed you are to her. Showing her anything else is a something of a turn-off to her. You probably caught her using a bit of Game and then you cut the Game off once you snared her- unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. You have to keep Game going on all the time in some form or fashion, even if you're married to the woman (See Married Man's Sex Life at http://www.marriedmansexlife.com/ for some examples of just what you're going to need to do if you're going to want to have lasting monogamous relationships...). Otherwise, you end up with an unhappy situation- much like the one you're about to find yourself in.

  3. #3
    Member Power-Factor's Avatar
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    Just see what she says as 'blah blah blah blah blah'. DON'T buy into her frame of the 'relationship talk'. Keep in your mind that you could take or leave her at any time. Don't get sucked into 'the talk'. Walk away from it. If she gives drama, soft next her, and she may or may not come crawling back.

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    Member DarkElf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Power-Factor View Post
    Just see what she says as 'blah blah blah blah blah'. DON'T buy into her frame of the 'relationship talk'. Keep in your mind that you could take or leave her at any time. Don't get sucked into 'the talk'. Walk away from it. If she gives drama, soft next her, and she may or may not come crawling back.
    At some point, I need to be less verbose like this...

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    Member BVD's Avatar
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    Thanks for the reply DarkElf. I have to admit, like you said, I caught her with Game (more just in my mindset than anything - like I said I was dating other girls at the time). But as I got more comfortable I felt like it was ok to ease off. I only was into pickup for about 3 months and I did a ton of reading, but I never bothered reading what to do when you got into a relationship haha. Your advice is well received about reading up on that sort of material. She is really into romance novels and films and I had actually started thinking I should act like the men in those stories, sensitive and such. When she brought up little dramas before I didn't view them as shit tests and looking back I totally failed them. I never bought her anything though, that lesson was hard-wired in

    I initiated a partial freeze out while she kept texting me, with a few brief responses to try to at least figure out the problem in her mind. But I think I came off as hurt and bitter which is obviously not the right frame. Anyway I'm pretty sure what's happened is her attraction to me has gone down (due to my DLVing and failing shit tests) and she is legitimately confused as to why and doesn't know what to do. So my conclusion is to man up and stop responding on her level. She texted this evening asking how I am doing and I said fine, and told her to take a few days to focus on her school work and do some thinking and I would talk to her on the weekend (I'm now dictating what's going to happen). Her response was 'oh' followed a few minutes later by 'this sucks'. We haven't gone a day without at least texting since we met.

    I honestly don't think she has another guy in mind but I understand how you could draw that conclusion, I guess we'll see.
    Last edited by BVD; 12-05-2011 at 04:30 AM.

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    Member Power-Factor's Avatar
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    It's really easy to make it simple, this is by far the most difficult yet simple part of a relationship. I've had it happen to me many times with my EX gf. It's difficult because it requires resolve, but what you DO is very simple. Ignore it all as nonsense. Never get upset. If she comes back, be happy like nothing ever happened.

    I have a lot of experience with this from just one relationship I was in since learning PUA skills. We still had a good 4 year long term relationship and was lots of fun, but what KEEPS it fun is not even buying into her frame. It needs very little careful thought. The less you think, the better.


    You have to keep it in your mind that there really is no problem. It's HER problem, not yours.

    This used to happen to me every 6 months or so, and every time, she came back. She would threaten to break up, send an e-mail saying she was breaking up with me 'because we didn't feel like gf bf anymore'. I just sent back a short message "Ok, goodbye!". After that, ZERO contact. I just went out clubbing again. It finally ended when she pulled it for the last time just a month ago. Trying to guilt me into marriage. Didn't work. I just said a simple "Ok, goodbye, it was fun". That's IT. DONE. She's getting older now so she'll probably not come back, she needs a provider and I won't be one for her.

    You have to truly not care about losing her.

    2 weeks later she'd call me apologizing.

  7. #7
    Member Power-Factor's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DarkElf View Post
    At some point, I need to be less verbose like this...
    Hehehe, hey, that's how you gotta be in these situations. The less you say, the better.

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    Member money_matteo's Avatar
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    She wants space?

    Give it to her-

    Sculpt your life around her wanting to be around you more than her..
    take it down as many notches as it takes and fill your time with other girls (or anything else)..

    the quicker the better.

    $M

  9. #9
    Member DarkElf's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Power-Factor View Post
    Hehehe, hey, that's how you gotta be in these situations. The less you say, the better.
    Well, there IS a reason I'm hanging out here and mostly lurking...

  10. #10
    Member BVD's Avatar
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    I managed a roughly 24-hour freezeout. During that time she sent me 8 texts (one of which was "I love you"), a facebook message and a phone call. Finally I texted her to say that I wasn't getting involved in drama, and if she wanted to be with me that was great but otherwise we could just go our separate ways.

    It didn't really have the desired effect though. She sent a few texts back. One was quite telling: "I want to want this so bad. Because you're amazing and everything I should want and I miss you so much already." So she feels like she should be attracted (due to my beta/provider qualities) but isn't (lacking alpha qualities).

    Then she brought up a new issue which is that she is a social butterfly and loves to go out all the time but I'm really uncomfortable around people I don't know and usually I don't go with her to stuff like that, she says she doesn't know how it could ever work. So I don't know if this is the underlying issue or just something that popped into her head. I was so tempted to respond to the point, saying that I could worry about my own comfort and that we didn't have to do everything together anyway. I even typed it on my phone, but didn't send it. I decided the best way to stick to the frame is to not react, so I just told her to give it some thought and said goodnight.

    And I made plans with a friend to do some clubbing Friday.

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