Personally, I would feel better in a swinger situation if I were you too. You may think it would make you more jealous but it feels a lot better being right THERE and knowing your man is not developing some sort of emotional attachment or having to worry about what is going on while you are at home and he is out. The not knowing can be so much more stressful. Other women are generally on better behavior when you are nearby too, and not acting scandalous.
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(There is a very detailed and nerdy post here about how different kinds of men balance there desire for domesticity, conquest, abundant sex, and variety.)
I am very impressed that you have a 10 year marriage where the sexual attraction remained so high, this is hard for many people to achieve. You should be proud of this and also happy that you husband is honest and committed enough to honestly express his desire and not just sneak off an get what he wants, which is very common. When people have a long term monogamy that starts when they are very young, they often come into it with out a lot of prior sexual experience, this can create doubt in a relationship, by creating the thought, " I love my spouse but I was so inexperienced when we got together, I don't really know what I am missing." Opening your selves to some sexual adventures at a stable mature stage of life can be very liberating... Not to mention fun.
The thing about having a sexual adventure inside of a relationship is that the adventure should be mutual. When you say the below I makes me worry a little for you:
For me the first rule of non-vanilla sex is... Nobody should ever do something they don't want to do... Be careful with your self... I am not sure this is the dynamic though; I read a gently service oriented submissive sexuality as a subtext in your posts. I might be off base, but is it possible that you are partly aroused buy doing somthing sexual with another man because you are doing it to please your husband with whom you are very good and most devoted? If this is the case then doing these things, is part of a larger and not unhealthy dynamic... And one I might suggest you and your husband might explore more fully and explicitly.And I am an extremely possessive woman, attractive, with big sex drive and jealous... It has been very very hard for me to do this for him, but I have agreed to try it.... sic....I can go fuck other guys too. Which I did not have a desire to do, because I am also very loyal. So really, I am trying it for his sake. HOW can I come out of it sane? Not freak out? I love him so much that I am going against my own self here.
This should not be a major worry for you... Hot stranger sex or even fuck buddy sex is not the same as companionable OLTR sex. Both are great, only a fool would give up one so as to have the other. I would be more concerned with the developing dynamic where you are getting sex on the side and he is not. As hard as this is for you to imagine right now, over time this could erode your view of him, and his attractiveness, and damage the relationship. It would not be a healthy dynamic if he got over motivated to keep up with your conquests and became needy in his interactions with the woman he is pursuing, they will not be attracted to that energy. It is a vicious cycle.It is not hard for me to go have sex with another guy, because I think of husband anyway, and how I enjoy sex with him more, but I worry a lot that for him it may be different... He is still in the process of finding a lay (you know how it is so much easier for us girls to get laid, and tougher for the men). I am worried he will compare, or like someone more...
Here are my rules for healthy advanced sex...
(... and to answer your question about frequency... I have sex outside of my LTR about 8 times a month... She has 3-6 week whirlwind affairs about twice a year while on location for work...)
1. Never do somthing you don't want to do... Ever... It is fine to do somthing that scares you but deep down you really do want to do.
2. Talk about it... Don't let secrets or silences develop.
3. Safe sex always every time... always... Get tested twice a year too. I do it the week we change the clocks for daylight savings... It's easy to put off.
4. No "other people sex" in the shared house... I actually keep 2 residences for this purpose and spend part of the week in one and part of the week in the other.
"As hard as this is for you to imagine right now, over time this could erode your view of him, and his attractiveness, and damage the relationship."
You know, he brought this exact point up recently, and asked me to slow down, because he is really concerned I will start thinking less of him subconsciously. I listened to him and cooled it off.
Your rules make sense. I think I am operating on fear of the unknown.
Thank you so much for taking the time to answer.
I read a few of your blog posts, and I gotta say, it's refreshingly introspective and honest. I relish the opportunity to add this to my knowledge base and gain additional perspective on relationships.
This line stood out to me: "Last night when I was looking at all the stuff he was doing it actually turned me off. Made me feel dislike towards him. I never disliked my husband. I love him like crazy! But I am being honest. When it is theoretical, I manage it okay. When I see it practiced, it disgusts me."
It's interesting to me, because the few times that I tried OLTRs and MLTRs, my conclusion was the same: better in theory than in practice.
Recently, I found myself in a situation where I was away on business and an attractive married woman was definitely DTF with me. It was flattering and exciting, but I poured water on that fire for a whole number of reasons. Since then, I have entertained the (impossible) notion that maybe one day I could convince my wife (who is nowhere near as submissive but equally as monogamous as you) to open up our marriage as long as everything is completely discreet. The conclusion I came to: even if it were possible, the work that it would take to get there would be overly burdensome, the jealousy it would cause would be irreversible, and the risk to my mental stability (I am a mess when single) are not worth a little sex. I've had enough sexual experiences. Maybe I feel that way because I have always sought out variety, and even though it's only with 20-something different women, I feel like I've done everything there is to do with it. To be honest, I get more pleasure out of going to the beach with my wife and watching her walk up to me with a big smile on her face carrying some shaved ice that she bought for me while all the other guys stare in disbelief than I could have from any sexual experience. So why would I risk that thing that gives me so much more pleasure than sex for something that I feel so been-there-done-that about? Doesn't make sense.
I'll be following your blog for sure. Keep it up.
And as always, I think Thin Man has some amazing insights about how circumstances can affect whether an open marriage would work or not.
Have you and your husband really been having hot steamy sex every day for the past 12 years???l
"I'm the kind of guy you don't want to bring home to mom. Cuz I'd fuck your mom."
"I don't have a dirty mind, I have a sexy imagination"
I wish my husband has had the 20 some experiences before he met me, maybe then he would also feel like you do - your wife walking up to you and guys staring in disbelief is better than a little sex... And I totally agree with you on your decision to not bother, for you it is not worth it. But he hasn't had those experiences. Which is why we are going through all this... He enjoys being out with me and men staring as well, but it is not cutting it. He craves variety. And that is not changing... It's just who he is.
Thank you for support.
No, since we married so young - we both learned along each other, both read extensively on the subject and figured out what we like and how to do it. I would say half the time we were learning and the other half we were were really into it. Then this year I felt like something happened. We still had sex quite often, but I could sense something was on his mind. Something was off. Then finally he brings this whole variety thing up and it clicks in. Ever since he opened up about how he feels, not even knowing whether I will go for it or not, our sex life went from 10 to 15. I think for him the biggest deal is actually being HONEST with me about it. Just knowing I love him for who he is. Even with these desires. So now sex went from hot and steamy to super hot and steamy.