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I am a man and according to this forum I'm supposed to be much more rational than the average woman, but judging from experience rationality and irrationality seem to be much more like two different aspects of one's personality, like conscious and sub-conscious. Throughout their lives, people get hurt, be it by assaults or just by other people being uncalibrated, because they were caught in a weak spot or situation or for whatever reason. There seem to be three main reasons to deal with the hurt: denial, fight or acceptance. Denial would mean that you're trying to "not see" what has happened, and try to not get yourself into situations in which you are reminded of it. In your specific situation that would be you not wanting to hear about it, not wanting to be alone with your thoughts and rather trying to have other things to do all the time so you don't have to think about it. The second way to deal with it, fighting, is trying to force someone to change what has happened or what he's planning to happen. In your situation that would be to try to manipulate your husband to stop seeing other women, either by openly telling him to stop it or (much more common) by secretly plotting to make it impossible for him, sabotaging him and stuff. The third option (and granted, the hardest one), would be acceptance. It is to accept someone else (or yourself) has turned out to be surprisingly different than you expected, and allow yourself to feel through all the hurt that comes with it. You could say you have been dis-illusioned by the experience, and acceptance means letting go of the illusions you had about someone and discovering deeper layers of that someone.
Originally Posted by openwife
A few years ago I was madly in love with one of my ex-gf, and I figured because I loved her so much I wouldn't want to imprison her by telling her to not interact with other men (even sexually). After about 1,5 years I had to painfully find out how she had perceived that as me not loving, not needing her fully, and how she as a freedom-person had very much needed me to need her, to tell her I wanted her to stay by my side, because her whole life was a drifting one with nowhere she was really drawn to. These days she's having a relationship with some Indian guy she met in India and doesn't look too happy (he's probably too much of a needy guy now). It took me months to come to terms with what had happened, to fully understand and accept it, but now that I think I understand what had truly happened, I can accept it as a learning experience I had to undergo, as much as it had hurt me. Truth be told, I'm very thankful she hurt me that bad (not intentionally), because I probably needed all the hurt to convince me some of my perceptions about the world needed to change to make sense of all that had happened.
If you become overly irrational, so be it. Don't fight it too hard. You might be approaching some inner part of you that is the core problem causing all this emotional turmoil. See it as the path you'll have to undergo to reach a healing site in yourself. Also don't hide it from your partner. I'm not saying freak out and scream at him, just admit you're hurting but that it's alright and it's not intentional to keep him from anything, it's just a fact you're hurting and you're feeling brave enough to discover the core. My gf is a student in therapy and we discuss a lot/I read many of her books. She told me that what sometimes happens in traumatic situations is that one dissociates experiences and kind of "splits" them from his own sense of self to survive, especially when something happens to you when you're very young yet. Most really bad issues one discovers about himself stem from those dissociated parts of one's personality, and they are really hard to "rationally" re-integrate simply because they often were formed in a time your rationality didn't even exist yet.
There is quite a chance that the behaviour of your partner triggers some core-level traumatic experience within you that has nothing to do with his actual behaviour. The only way to find out is to allow yourself to feel what is bubbling up over time, and if it truly feels scary, it is a helpful precaution to get yourself some help to guide you through. It can work with really good friends or even your partner, but if you're confronting very deep core-issues that have formed at a very young age, you might not be able to fully control yourself, which imposes a chance to hurt someone that only wants to help you. Which is why for really deep stuff therapists and psychologists are there for you: they are trained to not take whatever you yell at them personally, and even if they do it's not that much of a problem because they aren't your friends and family.
What seems an interesting hint is that you're writing your whole system is focused solely on your husband. Because if it truly is, losing him would obviously be a major shock to you. One could ask himself why you developed this pattern of focusing on one single person. I for example have somehow developed a pattern of not trusting anyone except myself to help me deal with difficult situations, and I'm pretty sure it has developed because I sensed my whole family being uncapable to deal with their own problems when I was a very young child so I took the adult role at like 4 years just to make my family survive (enabling me to survive as well). From that time (I suppose) stems my inability to trust anyone (especially not superiors) with difficult situations if they haven't proven they can be trusted first. It's stupid, sometimes it's even completely irrational, but in certain situations it still happens. Just to give an examples of how this works
P.S.: I'm no trained therapist, please keep that in mind. All I can share is personal experience and what I've picked up over the years in literature and experiences of others.