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  1. #1


    This post has been ranked 10.00 out of 10 with 2 votes.

    A little theory on how similarities and dissimilarities might affect your success - input appreciated

    Hi guys,

    I just had this little idea on why sometimes you're attracted to people who are very different from you and sometimes you are attracted to people who are very similar to you and how that attraction somehow changes over time. What if it is connected to the two basic needs of a relationship I tried to describe a few times around here, being "home" and "adventure"? What if for the need of "home" you'll be looking for someone who is quite similar to yourself, enabling you to easily form a type of group together with him or her, and for the need of "adventure" you'll be seeking someone who is very different from you, making it more of a challenge to form a sense of connection and thus an adventure?

    If this presumption was true, one could more easily discover his own needs at a given moment by the type of woman he currently feels attracted to.

    Any thoughts?

    Jester
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  2. #2
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    It's not a bad theory.

    But put yourself at a venue at the beginning of the night.
    You may be visually attracted to all sorts of girls.

    The sexy tall chick
    The cute short chick

    Maybe you're attracted to different sorts of personalities on a given night

    The girl with the most outgoing personality that's challenging
    The quite and demure girl.

    And as the night progresses
    - the bright and shiny girl gets drunk and unnattractive
    - you get into the venue and girls that weren't on your radar initially, start to look good to you.

    Your mind is basically jumping from similar to dissimilar as you interact with more and more people.

    What does changing your own mind at the drop of a hat tell you about your own needs?

    To me, I think that any given moment you might want one thing, but that desire changes from moment to moment.

    It's exactly the behavior that we see in girls (because this is a human trait, not a gender specific one).

    It's also one of the reasons it's a good idea to get some isolation when you're trying to make a connection.

    Good food for thought.

    Like I will probably try to turn this into a bit next time a chat a chick up.
    Girls and Guys go through an "adventure" stage - she wants a bad boy, he wants a stripper
    And then they "grow" up - and she ends up with an accountant, and he ends up with a modest girl in marketing.

    But the adolescent desire for adventure never truly leaves, it's just that stability is appreciated.

    ^And I for one, believe that this is a narrative that society tell us all - and it's not actually true, but a lie we have to believe in order to keep the human race going.

    WIA

  3. #3
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    "Adventure" love =new, exciting, different, opposites attract,
    and
    "Home" love= same familiar, trusted, known.
    I like it. It's refreshingly original. What made you think of it? Having been married for 18 years I can relate to it. Also, in a LTR new adventures can spice up the old and boring "home" love (e.g. the birth of children, watching them grow, buying a home, career changes, traveling, drama, fights, etc.)
    Here's another quick idea: Traditionally (biologically?) girls have an inclination for "home" love while men look for "adventure". Betaization can be viewed as women's ceaseless insistence to domesticate men. Aging makes men more conformist (and women more adventurous?) As men discover the joys of "home" love, women discover how little attraction they find for something that sounded so good in their mind (and Disney movies.) ,,, etc. So, I wouldn't extol too much the virtues of "home' love. You might be your GF's hero right now for being such a thoughtful, sensitive guy but you must keep balancing her need for adventure.

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    This post has been ranked 10.00 out of 10 with 1 votes.

    Well saying someone 'same' and 'different' from you is pretty vague.

    I'd say most guys want a combination of both, obviously. It's the qualities case by case, more than the overall picture, that is important. There are many ways you want a girl to be different from you; and many you want them the same.

    Things that men generally want different:

    1. Different life/ interests/ hobbies/ career/ lifestyle has value because it's new, exciting, you can learn about it, and you aren't suffocated or bored.

    2. Exotic in general/ foreign country is also "fresh" "interesting" and has some preconceived "rarity" value. It also boosts your social status a bit, you're fucking "the girl from X" - not just another white basic bitch from the US (or wherever you're from).

    3. Biological drive to fuck diverse partners in general. Evolution created this, and you don't have much control, or logical reason for it.

    Things that men want the same:

    1. Sometimes career, if somehow this partnership will "bolster" your career with your combined powers, or your career is your life and you want someone to bitch about it to. Or video games or football, if you play those all day and don't want someone nagging at you. See, it's really case by case basis.

    2. General life values. A rich upper status career man will sometimes want the same in a partner, because he wants more wealth.

    3. Same values in general, like politics/ atheism (or religion)/ race (shared experience/ racial issues) ... just so it doesn't cause waves.

    4. Generally must live in the same location if you want frequent, long-term fucking and/ or kids.

    So the ideal woman is an atheist French-Korean beach volleyball model who likes watching football/ video games, has connections in your industry, makes bank, but for some reason lives in your boring town and is waiting to get fucked. Oh and she doesn't care about any off-color remarks you make at home and agrees with your politics.

  5. #5



    yeah you got it bigslick. certain similarities are nice, others are not. For example it's difficult for two dominant people to create harmony in a relationship. There's typically that polarity unless it's a neutral polarity eg) two agender people.

  6. #6


    This post has been ranked 10.00 out of 10 with 1 votes.

    Quote Originally Posted by Sase View Post
    "Adventure" love =new, exciting, different, opposites attract,
    and
    "Home" love= same familiar, trusted, known.
    I like it. It's refreshingly original. What made you think of it? Having been married for 18 years I can relate to it. Also, in a LTR new adventures can spice up the old and boring "home" love (e.g. the birth of children, watching them grow, buying a home, career changes, traveling, drama, fights, etc.)
    Here's another quick idea: Traditionally (biologically?) girls have an inclination for "home" love while men look for "adventure". Betaization can be viewed as women's ceaseless insistence to domesticate men. Aging makes men more conformist (and women more adventurous?) As men discover the joys of "home" love, women discover how little attraction they find for something that sounded so good in their mind (and Disney movies.) ,,, etc. So, I wouldn't extol too much the virtues of "home' love. You might be your GF's hero right now for being such a thoughtful, sensitive guy but you must keep balancing her need for adventure.
    I'm interested in psychology and therapy a lot plus I'm a teacher interested in significant learning ("significant" = a learning step of a higher quality, not just more of the same), so I stumbled over the concept of a few insanely intelligent guys who basically said that psychological growth follows a very specific cycle of going on an adventure, returning to a home (either with new experiences or to lick your wounds) and then going on another adventure. You cannot simply stay home since you'll become bored after a while but you also cannot go out for adventure very well if you don't have a home you can go back to if something goes wrong (just like a little child needs to know the parents are close so it feels save enough to explore the surroundings on its own). I've discovered a few years back (actually I wrote about it here but nobody really cared much about it back then) that it seems to be a general psychological need for growth that follows certain stages of development, but it isn't focused on single aspects of your life, it's rather a sum of all you experience at the moment. Is your life very chaotic at the moment? You'll tend to try to find calmness, stability, ... is it very calm and secure? You'll tend to seek out adventures, change, instability.

    Since during a life, you'll change through these situations with different needs quite a lot, it's not so much about finding someone who can fit your overarching need since you change quite a lot anyway. I've realized that the feeling of "home" is very much connected to my girlfriend (and my family, some close friends and my favourite pub) which allows me to safely go on adventures with other women. Without knowing my gf loves me deeply I wouldn't be able to go on (sexual) adventures so easily.

    I've also noticed that whenever I don't feel too sure about my relationship with my gf which has happened more than usualy for the last few months, my "targets" for sexual adventures change and they'll usually be more like the "home" type.

    I haven't noticed this being something specific to a certain gender, it seems to be a general pattern for both men and women.

    Jester
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  7. #7
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    Nice! Like breathing, in and out. I like this:
    Quote Originally Posted by Jester View Post
    ... growth follows a very specific cycle of going on an adventure, returning to a home (either with new experiences or to lick your wounds) and then going on another adventure. You cannot simply stay home since you'll become bored after a while but you also cannot go out for adventure very well if you don't have a home you can go back to if something goes wrong...
    Even if nothing "goes wrong", experience must be balanced with reflection. Home is where reflection happens.
    Quote Originally Posted by Jester View Post
    ... Without knowing my gf loves me deeply I wouldn't be able to go on (sexual) adventures so easily...
    That's cowardly. Actually, you would probably go on adventures more boldly but, as you said, you'd be always looking to turn one of those adventures into "home" (pair bonding, _ltr) experience.
    Thanks

  8. #8



    Quote Originally Posted by Sase View Post
    That's cowardly. Actually, you would probably go on adventures more boldly but, as you said, you'd be always looking to turn one of those adventures into "home" (pair bonding, _ltr) experience.
    Thanks
    Well, I have to disagree here. In a way I'm in a somewhat special situation because after my mother died about 10 years ago my father would freak out and cut relationship with all of his children which caused me to undergo a phase of a few years in which I was closing in on the outlook of living on the streets since I couldn't find work fast enough back then (I was studying when it happened and didn't have many savings). In a way the feeling of "home" provided by my family was shattered then and it kind of paralysed me for a while. In fact, I remember I couldn't really get out of bed for a few months because my body would feel so enormously weak that whenever I attempted to, I pretty much lost consciousness. Friends helped me through it in the end, but although I do meet regularily with my father and his new wife now and really get along well with them nowadays, I am still having trouble accepting a feeling of home provided by them now. My ex-gf has allowed me to truly feel at home again a few years back and I was in full adventure mode knowing of her existence (I went to Brasil for a year without knowing the language or anyone there, went to natural parks for days without guides and just with a few friends, ...). Now with my current girlfriend she also allows me to feel at home with her (even though it's somewhat difficult at times since she lives far away and probably will for another 2,5 years for educational reasons), and I've noticed that if I think of her I have a much easier time approaching other women.

    At least a while back, people around here would advise to establish a kind of "rotation" of women so whenever one drops out, you'll still have other options and won't be hurt that bad, I often called it "playing the power game" that I'm not really interested in. I believe establishing this kind of system is somewhat of an attempt of establishing the feeling of "home" without having to center it on an individual woman for you experienced you cannot trust women in the first place. Instead of trusting a human being that (seemingly) cannot be trusted, one trusts a system to provide stability and "home". I've always tried to follow the exact opposite approach: continuously adjust my "systems" to the needs of everyone involved that is important to me.

    I've seen many people (mostly men) who go on adventures "more boldly" when they lost the feeling of home and belonging, and they seem quite afraid to me on a deep level. If their adventures succeed, they'll enjoy the boost it gives them, but since they are often "using" their successes to prevent them from having to feel the emptiness on the "home"-area of their needs, they'll have to go on the next adventure fast (the behaviour is quite similar to drug abuse, really). When they do fail and cannot add another success shortly after to make up for it, they can break, like the father of my girlfriend. I have this image in my mind of someone trying to stretch his fingers all the way to yet another unattainable goal he thinks he has to reach, while forgetting to stabilize his stance or have someone else stabilize him, until his back breaks from all the strain.

    Would you call a little child that makes sure his mother is somewhat around before going on an adventure he doesn't know he can succeed on a coward? From what I've found, it's a very healthy habit to make sure you have someone have your back if you enter a situation in which you might not be able to deal with it on your own.

    Jester
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